Nation collectively groans each time Michael Clarke opens his mouth

4 November, 2016. 11:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

SEATED NEXT TO HIS mate of twenty years, Gilbert Greene picks his schooner up off the bar and heads for the smoking area.

Though he’s enjoying the shocking return to form, that’s where his love of Nine Network’s coverage of the First Test against South Africa ends.

“Let me know when that cunt stops yapping. I’m ducking out for some lung candy,” he said. “I can’t stand the sound of that half-sleeve wanker’s voice.”

The 46-year-old disability pensioner explains that he didn’t mind Clarke when he played the game, he didn’t mind him when he was seeing “that bipedal trainwreck” Lara Bingle – he has a problem with the retired batsmen because he dogged the boys.

“Any sucked mango seed can have a book ghostwritten about their career. Clarkey’s one just had a bit more pepper and autofellatio than others,” he said.

“Not like Mark Taylor’s. That was riddled with spelling errors and other grammatical issues. A real 500-page sleeping tablet. I’ve had cardiac episodes more entertaining, cunt.”

Mr Greene then coughed sharply and spat out a dark yellow golly before continuing his tirade.

“Old Kerry would be flip flopping around in his grave like a bloke who’s just fallen back and crack his head on the pavement. It’s fucked, mate.”

Green was abruptly asked to leave the premises after getting down on the floor and mimicking a bloke having a trauma-induced seizure.