Despite the fact that he lives in a state not currently affected by lockdowns, Betoota Heights man Boyd Calile (34) has down nothing but watch 6 to 7 hours of Olympic sports every day since Friday evening.

As an online sales director at some company that contributes nothing to the earth but needless consumerism and plastic waste, Boyd has been able to wrangle ‘working from home’ status right through the winter.

That means he’s got full license from his employers to not meet his targets, as he ‘struggles’ with the new normal, which means sitting on his arse on his couch at home all day, like he has done since March last year.

And as a man who is not required to do anything but watch the best athletes in the world competing against each other at the Tokyo Olympics, it also means he’s got full license to criticise lacklustre performances and speculate about possible cheating.

However, it seems most of the Olympians that are copping flak from Boyd have two things in common.

One, they are gold medal winners. And two, they are women.

“Haha. Look at this bird” Boyd bitterly chuckles to no one in particular.

“Look at her arms. She’s gotta be on the roids”

It’s an assumption that Boyd believes isn’t too drastic, considering his in-depth insight into the most rigorous dope testing program in the world.

It also has nothing to do with the fact that the last time he attempted having a crack at organised sport, he ended up getting escorted from the football field on a stretcher with a ‘fractured tib’ that turned out to be shin splints.

“Haha no way that’s natural” he continues.

“Ahaha these African countries love their roids aye”


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