Young men who drink Scotch are “fuck boys”, according to government study

26 August, 2015. 16:25

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

WHENEVER FRANK SINATRA threw a party at his Florida mansion, there wasn’t a glass of wine or cold beer to be found. He’d gather his guests around while he propped himself up against his baby grand piano, with a Scotch in his hand. Frank would sing for hours while he grew more and more unsteady on his feet. Soon enough, he’d pass out and his guests would leave – but they all left feeling like they had a great time.

Then there was the smash US television series Mad Men, which offered a smorgasbord of suits, scotch and smoke – much to the delight of the young and impressionable Australian fuck boy.

Both Sinatra and the creators of Mad Men are being blamed by the government today for the reanassaince in the popularity of the Scottish liquor. This rising interest is almost wholley coming from Generation Y, which has sent alarm bells ringing.

Urban Dictionary describes a ‘fuck boy’ as “a person who is a weak ass pussy that ain’t bout shit”, a description which has proven to be deadly accurate.

According to the government study released this morning, ‘drinking Scotch in your twenties comes part and parcel with being an insufferable cunt’.

Researcher Greg Buchanan said that over ten thousand young drinkers were surveyed to complete the study, in pubs and clubs around the country.

“While drinkers who enjoyed Scotch mixed with cola were ten times more likely to be wearing hi-vis, young drinkers who preferred theirs on the rocks or neat were all fuck boys,” he said.

“It’s very hard to explain this occurance, because everybody under 50 knows Scotch tastes like paint thinner,”

“Compared to other brown spirits, the drinkers surveyed who enjoyed either rum or bourbon were ‘great blokes who make ripper calls’, which is more than acceptable for someone in their twenties.” he said.

The stakes for the Scotch industry are high, as they’re now running the risk of having their product hijacked by fuck boys. Traditional markets for the drink have started to wane as their rusted-on consumers start to die out.

Young Scotch enthusiasts have hit back at the government study, saying that it’s their choice to be fuck boys.

“What the government needs to do right now is just fuck off,” said Dhani Cartwright.

Mr Cartwright is one of the youngest art directors on the Australian advertising landscape, with over 76-months of industry experience.

“I mean, when my team and I go out for a drink, I’m straight to the single malt. No ice,” he said.

Incidently, the 27-year-old is also a self-confessed pick-up artist and author of a Kindle ‘ladykilling’ e-book, My Immortal Game.

He writes that the key to being a gentleman is having the right drink – and skolling schooner after schooner of a tradie’s elixer isn’t the right way to go about winning the heart of a honey bunny.

“Personally, I couldn’t give a rat’s caboose if Victoria Bitter won the Surry Hills Craft Beer Festival last year. I wouldn’t be caught with it,” he wrote.

“A great Scotch is an awesome conversation starter, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve interupted a discussion to spruik the merits of a peaty Isle of Skye drop, I’d be pretty well off.”

The government report will be available for download to the general public by tomorrow morning.