While Australians have always based the liveability of a suburb on the cost of property, the hysterical east coast housing crisis has now resulted in an average metropolitan house price of roughly around a million dollars, even in areas that are still quite rough.

This means that even with two high-paying incomes, a reckless bank manager and two sets of parents chipping in, putting down a million dollars on a house in Brisbane, Sydney or Melbourne doesn’t always mean it’s going to be in a nice part of the world.

The let down of buying property in a not-entirely-gentrified suburb was on display for all at a local shopping centre in Betoota’s Flight Path district last month, when a satellite sunglass-wearing mother of twin 33-month-olds was unable to administer her insulin shot due to the blue lights in the arcade’s bathrooms.

Luckily for Dokato Mossman (35), she was informed by a nearby janitor that it was perfectly acceptable to inject herself in the carpark, and that sharp disposal bins were also provided.

This incident isn’t isolated, with many dual-graphic designer income yuppie families discovering that the opening of an artisan breadshop doesn’t necessarily mean that you will be able leave your phone on the balcony overnight.

However, in the middle of the sweeping tide of half-baked gentrification throughout Australia’s urban suburbs, there is still one clear indicator that will notify visitors as to whether or not they should be locking their cars.

The security tag.

A local GrogMart franchise in the Betoota Ponds has today made it clear to all tourists and prospective homebuyers that their immediate community has enough people that shoplift dark spirits to warrant the use of anti-theft tags.

Electronic article surveillance is a technological method for preventing shoplifting from retail stores, pilferage of books from libraries or removal of properties from office buildings. Special tags are fixed to merchandise or books. These tags are removed or deactivated by the clerks when the item is properly bought or checked out. At the exits of the store, a detection system sounds an alarm or otherwise alerts the staff when it senses active tags.

“Jesus Christ” said one bloke, who had just popped into the inner-Betoota bottle shop in an unsuccessful attempt to find a bottle of organic wine.

“Thinks must be fucking grim around here”

Other bottle-shop-liveability indicators include whether or not Coopers is sold as a craft beer, and if their is a special on the 4L fruity lexia wine and additional 2L orange juice.



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