I’M SAVING THE DAY: The binfire that is the Sydney lockdown has escalated dramatically today, as the NSW Police Commissioner goes over Premier Berejiklian’s head to accept Scotty From Marketing’s most recent offer to deploy the army into a crisis he’s been avoiding for months.

This morning, hundreds of ADF troops have rolled into Western Sydney to help the police struggling to deal with the current outbreak. Peter Dutton has reportedly taken great pleasure in deploying 300 military personnel into the terrified migrant communities.

The arrival of the troops means the Sydney outbreak is now no longer the Federal Government’s responsibility – and is instead now a public health emergency that is being caused by the ‘irresponsible individuals’ who keep getting sick in their own households and essential workplaces.

With the grand gesture of using our military to do police work, the PM no longer has to answer for the criminal negligence that has caused Sydney’s largest city to be locked down for going on 40 days day now.

Scotty From Marketing has today tried to spin this heavy-handed measure as him saving the day again, by arriving at the press conference with a boom box blaring “The Saints Are Coming” by U2, featuring Green Day.

“The Saints are Coming” was initially written and recorded by the Scottish punk rock band Skids in 1979 – but became an international hit when it was covered in 2006 by U2 and Green Day in the wake of the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans.

This U2 cover presents and alternate history in which George W. Bush redeployed troops and vehicles from Iraq to New Orleans to help victims of the hurricane, with the military personnel fulfilling the titular role of the “saints” that are helping their own people instead of waging wars in the middle east.

“All I gotta say to those people who say that my government isn’t doing enough to end this lockdown that Gladys and the complacent people of Western Sydney caused…” said the PM before pressing play.

“Don’t say I don’t make the big decisions haha”

Scotty then closed his eyes like he was at Hillsong and began singing along with the speaker, as reporters awkwardly walked away.


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