Former attorney-general Christian Porter has today claimed victory in a bar fight Ellenbrook last night.

This comes as a surprise to everyone else who was in the pub, considering the melee only ended when Christian Porter screamed at the top of his lungs for the bouncers to come and protect him, before running away from the scene as fast as he could.

The witnesses say the whole thing was pretty weird to watch unfold, considering the fact that it was the embattled MP who started the blue with the local tradesman to begin with.

It is believed that after being called ‘a fucking creep’ by one of his own constituents from across the bar, Christian Porter demanded the unwashed peasant come and say it to his face like a real man.

The piss-fit tradie obliged, and walked over to the local Member to repeat himself face to face, only to be shoved and told to ‘put them up’.

This offer was also accepted, as the fellow Westralian began rolling up his hi-vis sleeves in preparation to put on a royal hiding.

It was at this point that Paid Leave Porter called for security and began to cower from the unpleasant situation that he had caused himself.

However, Australia’s highest-paid stay-at-home public servant says that his decision to hide behind the bouncers and runaway from the affray amounts to a “humiliating backdown” for the other bloke “no matter what way he wants to spin it”.

Mr Porter insists the other bloke was determined not to throw hands with him, and has been forced by the bouncers to explicitly state that he lost this fight that never really took place.

Mr Porter has also said that despite making a cunt of himself in front of his own voters, he has no intention of standing down as their local member.

“I don’t want to do anything that disrupts the service of this government to the Australian people during what has been an unprecedented and challenging time at the pub last night” he said.

“I remain completely committed to the people of my electorate and absolutely will be running at the next election.”

The security guards have stated that the incident was hardly a fight, just an embarrassing waste of time for everyone involved.


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