Local mum, Shannon Matthews (62) has spent the last 25 minutes fantasising about the many places she’ll be able to visit, now that it looks like she’ll finally be able to retire.

For the last couple of weeks, Shannon has been hearing a range of different symphonies coming from her 28-year-old stay-at-home son’s bedroom. It’s gotten her quite excited.

Mrs Matthews and her husband Brian were under the impression that their son, Mason, had finally decided to pull his finger out and make something of his 6-year-long Arts/Music degree.

“We already had the holiday to Port Macquarie booked” she said.

“We were so proud. I guess after 10 years of our house smelling like the Eumundi Sunday Markets… it doesn’t take much for us to feel proud”

Shannon says that Mason’s dad doesn’t even bother anymore, for fear of losing his temper at their son’s disinterest in working, or living an adult life.

“We’ve really tried everything. He’s so uninspired… So to hear some Symphony number 9 coming from his bedroom today, it made me well up”

However, to poor Shannon’s horror, her curiousity only brought her brief bliss of illusion to the floor.

After knocking on Mason’s door several times, she decided to slowly turn the handle, so as to not catch him masturbating as she had done hundreds of times before.

Under the guise of coming into his room with a vaccuum, Shannon was horrified by what she saw. Her son Mason stoned and asleep with his iPhone attached to the auxiliary cord of his sound system.

“He was on the phone to Centrelink this whole time” she weeps.

“I was certain he was composing it all himself. But it was just a government call-waiting service… For my bludger son, hoping to get some free money”

Shannon says at this point of her son’s half-hearted journey into young adulthood, she was willing to accept ‘Idiot Savant’ or even ‘tortured artist’ as excuses for his sense of entitlement and laziness.

Unfortunately she has no other option but to call it what it is.

“My son is a stoner” she said.

“Brian and I are going to still take this holiday and we’ll be dropping all the non-perishable foods off at St Vinnies”

“That’s our plan”

“He’d wanna hope he sorts this Centrelink stuff out”


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