LOUIS BURKE Culture | Contact

Upon visiting the Melbourne suburb of Fitzroy, retired swimming coach Glen McNamee (70) reckons young people need to harden up and that most of the local street art is “crude and unnecessary.”

“All the cafes ’round here have signs saying they’re safe spaces and LGBTQIACDC bloody friendly and I’ve had enough of it! Focus on the real issues like that inappropriate shit some homeless artist has scribbled on the side of your business! Trust me, it’s not a good look.”

Growing up in regional Victoria, McNamee’s current trip to Melbourne marks only his third time in the “softcock metropolis,” a trip he has made for his son’s 40th birthday.

“Yeah he’s a graphic designer. Don’t get me bloody started…”

Staying overnight in his son Jacob McNamee’s Brunswick street residence, Glen McNamee claims he has seen enough to make sure he never has to visit Melbourne again.

“Most of these blokes wouldn’t know how to throw a punch unless it was artisinal. Even the bouncers here look fucking soft! All the graffiti on the walls saying ‘Love is Love,’ just bullshit! Whatever happened to someone spraying a good old fashioned swastika?”

Before his son’s party, McNamee occupied himself by strolling up and down Brunswick street, tutting loudly at anything he thought was too soft such as reusable shopping bags, small dogs, street art with a message, anything vegan and dyed hair.

According to McNamee, the only fun he has had so far was yelling “get a real job!” at an unsuspecting group of street artists who were painting a council-commissioned mural in an alley of Brunswick street.

“They wouldn’t know what to do if I just came at them, would they? Drawing some flowers on the wall doesn’t really build up much strength does it?”

In a public statement, McNamee made it very clear that if ‘inner city pinkos’ spent as much effort ‘hardening up’ as they did trying to be offended they wouldn’t have time to “draw all that bullshit crap that’s hurting my eyes.”

“I feel bad for my boy but I’m boycotting Melbourne until they sort this shit out.”




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