The unsinkable Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has returned back to work today, without any thought to the scandal that gripped the hysterical Australian news cycle over the weekend.

This is because being caught up in the Prime Minister’s current fall from grace is a walk in the park, compared to the other shit he’s had to stare down throughout the course of his public life.

In fact, not many politicians can argue that they’ve had a more stressful 6 months than Barnaby Joyce did in 2017.

The year started with a sun spot scare that saw the Joyce facing every media conference with a swollen scone that had been scorched bare by an Armidale skin doctor.

Things didn’t get any better after that.

With a Catholic amount of kids all enrolled in some of the most costly private schools and universities in the country, the Deputy Prime Minister then found himself facing the prospect of unemployment after being embroiled in the Parliamentary Citizenship Crisis.

After a few months of white-knuckling through inquiries, the High Court eventually found that Barnaby Joyce’s father had been born in New Zealand, which automatically made him a dual citizen to the land of the long white cloud, and therefore ineligible to sit in Parliament – let alone sit in the role of Deputy Prime Minister.

Barnaby’s newfound unemployment timed quite well with Canberra’s greatest ever kept secret, that he had impregnated his much younger media advisor, while still married to his first wife.

Mr Joyce then had to sit on this explosive personal development for months, as he begged his mortal enemy Prime Minister Turnbull to join him in Tamworth for a by-election campaign, which eventually saw him reinstated as Deputy – four roughly 3 months, before the Daily Telegraph ran a front page photo of his pregnant mistress.

Now, nearly 6 years later, Barnaby Joyce has had another child with his now-fiancee and fought tooth and nail to reclaim National Party leadership – all while maintaining a healthy intake of full strength lager and Winfield cigarettes.

It is for this reason that he battle-weary Deputy Prime Minister actually doesn’t seem to give a fuck that text messages have been leaked of him talking shit about Scott Morrison while attempting to console a former Liberal staffer who was allegedly raped in a cabinet minister’s office while he was still a backbencher.

In fact, compared to the last couple of years, being caught out calling the PM a ‘liar’ and ‘a hypocrite’ is barely a ripple in the ocean of the Deputy Prime Minister’s extremely stressful and very public personal drama.

“Yeah yeah yeah… I apologise” said Barnaby Joyce over the weekend.

“She’ll be right”

“For those who think that these leaked text messages are causing me the even slightest distress or personal anguish… I have this to say”

“You are wrong. This shit doesn’t even touch the sides”

“You stupid journalists should know by now that I cannot be killed”


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