After months of cringing through the sheer incompetence of a Morrison government, former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has today arrived at Kirribilli House with a jerry can of unleaded and officially intervened.

In a letter obtained by the ABC on Monday, former prime minister Kevin Rudd used his influence to convince security guards at Kirribilli House to let him inside the compound to sort out the overgrown grass that he once spent hours maintaining while in the top job.

It is believed Rudd was approached by Jenny Morrison to help tidy up the lawn at the Prime Minister’s tax-payer funded Sydney home, after growing tired of nagging her husband to come good on his promise to fire up the mower and take some pride in his castle.

Jenny says Scotty had not once ventured into the garage to even check the fuel on the mower, instead leaving the job to junior bureaucrats in the Liberal Party who grew up with servants and don’t know the first thing about basic yard work.

Today, with the winter sun blaring down on his pale Nambour skin, the man who navigated Australia out of the global financial crisis has stepped up out of retirement to help Australia’s current Prime Minister at least look like he knows what he is doing.

“Fucking shit of a fucking thing” scowls Rudd, as the mower blade cracks through an empty 1.25 litre bottle of diet Fanta left on the lawn after the last post-Hillsong soiree with the QAnon comrades.

“How did we get to this fucking point where I’ve got to come out of retirement to help this bumbling fool mow his fucking lawn”

Despite the undeniable evidence that Kevin Rudd has spent all morning completing Scott Morrison’s chores, Defence Minister Peter Dutton has been quick to deny that he had any role in maintaining the lawn at Kirribilli House at all, citing the installation of an automated sprinkler system that Rudd had never once claimed to have anything to do with.

Morrison has since shared photos on social media of his brand perfectly trimmed lawn — leaving out any role Rudd played.


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