The banking industry is in shock today after the ACCC announced that they would be levelling criminal charges against ANZ executives and other high ranking banking figures.

The Criminal Cartel charges are expected to be laid against ANZ, ANZ Group Treasurer Rick Moscati, two other companies and a number of other individuals, the ACCC has confirmed.

However, much to the relief of the executives, Malcolm Turnbull has informed the banking sector that no one is actually going to jail.

“Haha, calm down my friends,” the former merchant banker at Goldman Sachs told a group of banking bigwigs huddled around a conference phone this morning.

“Nobody is getting sent to jail. People don’t go to jail for these sorts of things. Our justice system is geared to lock up people who can’t afford decent legal representation and act as our de-facto mental health system.”

“Not lock guys like you up.”

“We just have to go through the motions and pretend like we want to punish ‘the bankers’ so we have a chance of winning the election. But don’t stress you little ninnys, we will put the focus back on chasing welfare recipients in good time.”

Turnbull then told the bankers to look at what happened after the GFC.

“Two mid-level mortgage brokers went to jail after that whole thing. The best thing to do is lay low and then try and slide some golden handshakes past the shareholders okay?”

We contacted Bill Shorten for comment on the issue but he was unable to give an opinion after we refused to tell him what Malcolm Turnbull had said.

He told us we need to save Medicare, and that we sort of should stop the boats, maybe.

More to come.


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