The people of Melbourne are once again getting ready to discontinue any form of routine, and sit at home on the dole for an indefinite amount of time.

This comes as, Victorian Health Minister Martin Foley has confirmed there are four positive COVID-19 cases in Victoria.

All four reside in the City of Whittlesea in Melbourne’s north. Two of the cases are men, one woman and a child.

The official numbers for yesterday’s statewide test results were confirmed less than hour ago, immediately resulting in a collective sigh from all of Melbourne.

“Fuck, here we go again” moaned the entire population of 5 million Mexicans at once.

“Time to break out the sourdough

Further to this news, health experts have stated that anyone who was at Highpoint shopping centre from 5pm to 8pm on Thursday, 20 May, has to IMMEDIATELY isolate for the full 14 days and get a test as soon as possible.

It’s a tier one exposure site, and one that has ruined the next fortnight for potentially thousands of people.

With Dan Andrews still all fucked up from his spinal injury, it’s not yet known who will be fronting the daily press conferences, if this third wave actually takes off.

Pending on how long this outbreak bubbles through Melbourne, this has also likely ruined Hobart’s biggest tourism earner, DARK MOFO – which was expected to draw tens of thousands of visitors from Victoria next month.

Thankfully, much like last year, the rest of Australia has very little to worry about and their lives won’t be affected too much at all.

This is because the Melbourne Storm have been based out of the Sunshine Coast for the last couple weeks – which means the NRL calendar will not be affected by closed borders.

So the rest are once again able to continue life as normal because this recurring lockdown shit seems to be a purely Melbourne issue.


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