Cars crashing into houses, and the subsequent hysteria it causes, has been Channel 9’s bread and butter since the early 70’s when they copied Betootan journalists who reported on old Willy Tisk ploughing his HT Ute into Mrs. Freeman’s Betoota Grove 2 bedroom home – a stroke of genius that spread like wildfire and changed reporting as we know it.

However, in a seemingly predictable turn of events, reporters at Channel 9 are today scrambling to their panic stations after getting to the end of the day and discovering that there hasn’t been a single car crash into a house in the whole of Australia.

“Are you trying to tell me, that out of 20 million people, not one of them drove a fucking car into a fucking house?” Fumed Christopher Plumpton, the highly-strung editor in chief.

It’s Mr. Plumpton’s next move that has caused quite a stir amongst reporters across the world, each taking sides on whether or not it was the right move.

“Right. Well, we’re not going to cover actual news like those left-wing fairies at the ABC, that idea can fuck right off!”

Then, after pondering internally for a second, Plumpton had another outburst.

“I’ve got it! There’s nothing to report, so we will report nothing! Daniel, get up that rainbow screen from the 90s!”

The Advocate can confirm that while Mr. Plumpton’s idea of showing a blank screen for 15 minutes straight could be considered a bold stroke of journalistic genius, it has not gone down well with the general public, with reports of burning televisions being thrown out of homes and apartment buildings across the country.

More to come.



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