While plenty are fretting after hearing the grim economic news this afternoon, the Federal Government has moved to quickly hose down the nation’s fears.

With the confirmation today that Australia is officially in recession for the first time since Home Alone hit the silver screen, economists, politicians, and actual people who have to feed themselves and their families are pretty concerned about what that means.

However, to ease those concerns, the Government has revealed a shiny new plan to make sure we make it through this recession without adding greater numbers to the 3 million Australians (including 774,000 kids) already living below the poverty line.

“We are building for the future, by investing in an industry that has served our country so well,” explained Treasurer Frydenberg this afternoon.

“Fossil fuels.”

“We rode off the sheep’s back, got in the fast lane with the automotive industry and fed the rest of the world from our produce, but now, we are going to gas up our economy with the steam from the industry of the future, coal, gas, and oil.”

“Who would have thought very little long term planning for our economy would result in us getting to the point we don’t really have many industries to lean on to keep us chugging along.”

“We thought about doing things like investing in our education sector to get us up to speed with our countries like Japan, Korea and Germany so we can boost our GDP through innovation, or investing in sustainable agriculture so speed up the transition away from plonking a few head of cattle on a paddock and waiting for them to get fat, or investing in renewables given we have a huge country with a vast array of everything required for that;”

“But we’ve decided to play it safe and keep letting large companies pillage the underground resources they cheaply buy ‘the rights’ too; HOWEVER, we are going to sternly ask them to pay their fair share of tax.”

We then asked Frydenberg if there were any other plans to try and offset the hundreds of billions of dollars being spent on propping up the economy and he said he’d get back to us.

“It’s hard when workers are only taking home 50% of the national income for the first time since 1959,” he said.

“And we sold all our assets like QANTAS, Commonwealth Bank, The TAB, and Telstra – and you can blame Hawke and Keating for that!”

“So, essentially, my hands are tied here.”

“Blame Labor for this shit.”

We contacted Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese for comment on whether the Red party were to blame but he was unavailable for comment.


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