ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Federal Government is calling on the nation’s young people to take on six to seven figures of debt to prop up the hyper-inflated national property market in an effort to keep on securing the grey vote.

To do that, the Federal Treasurer Joshua Frydenberg is allowing first home buyers to use the savings young people were planning to live on when they’re too old and fucked to keep working to buy property.

“We need to make sure the lives of the property-owning Baby Boomers are as comfortable as possible, right up until that right ventricle or heart valve finally blows out,” said Josh from Melbourne.

“To do that, we need to make sure the value of their assets doesn’t go down. We can’t keep relying on the Chinese nouveau-riche to keep pouring money in, the lazy millennials need to do what’s right for the country and buy a shit-heap inner-city property for a million or two,”

“Once inflation catches up and wage stagnation takes hold, interest rates will go up and the young people will be left paying off assets that are worth significantly less than what they paid for them 10 years ago,”

“And by then, Jim Chalmers will probably be Prime Minister so it’ll all be his fault,”

“He’ll get embarrassed in the proceeding election by none-other-than Angus Taylor, who’ll be the next Liberal PM. You heard it here first.”

Mr Frydenberg then excused himself, saying he had to go prostrate himself before some over-paid public servant on the ABC.

More to come.


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