Christmas Special: 8 Things To Buy The Boring Man In Your Life (Part 1)
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTWith less than three weeks until some tinned passionfruit begins to drip over your family pavlova, time is running out to finish your Christmas shopping.
Given we all have an effortlessly boring male in our lives who will demand a present whilst doing the bare minimum themselves in the gifting department, here is a list of pressie...
Local Influencer Gives Child A Catalogue Of Beige Coloured Toys To Choose From For Christmas
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA French Quarter influencer has proven just how committed to the aesthetic she is this week, by not only decorating her house with the saddest Christmas decorations you’ve ever seen, but also severely limiting the colour palette of her son’s toy wish list.
Boasting 450,000 followers, Rachael Moore is known for painstakingly curating her instagram profile to ensure every...
Recently Divorced Yuppie Makes Triumphant Return To Nightlife With Skinny Jeans And Pot Belly Combo
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Local yuppie, Caleb Thistlethropp (38) has been out of the game for a while.
After settling down in his late twenties with one of the up-and-coming stage actresses from a Betoota Theatre production that he had provided sound design for, Caleb hasn't really hit the tiles for a decade.
However, after a rampant Twitter addiction saw his marriage fall apart...
Medicare To Finally Offer Penis Extension Treatment For Drivers Of Ford Rangers, Dodge Rams And Teslas
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn news that has left the nation baffled, the labour government have announced they’ll be adding specialised cosmetic surgery for drivers of Ford Rangers, Dodge Rams and Teslas, despite still not broadening Medicare services to cover dental.
Speaking to The Advocate, Lou Coulter, the general manager of Medicare, says the service will soon be evolving into something similar to...
Groom-to-Be Claims ‘It’s Actually Been A Breeze’ When Asked How The Wedding Planning Is Going
STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTAmidst the chaos of seating arrangements, floral selections, and menu tastings local groom-to-be, Darren Smith, confidently insiststhat wedding planning has been a walk in the park.
Friends and family, witnessing Darren's calm demeanour amid the wedding frenzy, suspect he's mastered the art of denial or hasn’t lifted a single finger throughout the entire wedding process.
Sure, his fiancée Emily...
P!NK Announces New Australian Tour To Capitalise On All The Messy Divorces Since Her Last Visit
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTPop sensation P!NK has announced a new Australian tour strategically timed to capitalize on the flourishing industry of messy breakups and brand new independent "yummy mummys", since her last down-under visit.
Known for her anthems of empowerment, resilience, and feeling like a rock star, P!NK has identified a lucrative market opportunity in the ever-expanding realm of turbulent divorces and...
Engineers Give Tradies A Run For Their Money On Who Does The Hardest Drugs At Christmas Party
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIn a plot twist that no one saw coming, engineers have reportedly surged ahead of tradies in the competition of who can get the most cooked at the work Christmas party.
For decades, tradies held the uncontested crown for the loosest chrissy parties in Australia, with feats of endurance that could rival the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. However,...
People Pleaser’s “No Stress” Roughly Translated To “‘The Last Fucking Thing I Need”
STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTSelf-proclaimed people pleaser, Sarah Jenkins, has been caught in a linguistic conundrum. Her frequent usage of the phrase "No stress" holds the opposite meaning, when in-fact she is severely fucking stressed.
To her concerned friends, Sarah's seemingly innocuous words carry a weighty, coded distress signal.
"It's like a silent plea for help," one friend remarked. "The contradiction is...
Gen-Z Coworker Either Has Bladder Problems Or Is A Slave To That Fruity Vapour
STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTConcern has arisen in the office as speculation mounts regarding the frequent disappearances of young intern, Jessica Vanders.
Colleagues have observed her on-edge behaviour, as she continues to make a beeline to the toilet every 30 minutes, with what many believe to be a fruity-scented vape in hand.
"Either she's got a bladder the size of a walnut, a...
Local Bloke Helps Wife Prepare House For Guests Coming Over By Cleaning The Shed
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has thoughtfully helped to prepare the family home for guests this week, by spending roughly two hours painstakingly cleaning and rearranging an area that no one will see.
Hank Paulson, 45, was reportedly rewatching Face Off when his wife had implored him to help out with the clean up, which he’d assured he would get to...
