LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

In a story that now seems as old as time and Benji Marshall, local Millennial Matilda O’Neil (31) can’t afford to buy a home because of her own reckless spending. 

According to O’Neil’s parents Brian and Susanne, who would happily inject SkyNews if given the choice, it’s their daughter’s own fault that she does not have an equivalent property portfolio to what they had at the same age.

“We picked up this old fixer-upper for $30,000 and she could do the same if she pulled her finger out, stopped spending so much, got a high paying job, won the lotto, and committed to a 40-year mortgage,” stated Matilda’s dad Brian, who is well-aware of how much properties cost now as he often has his own appraised just for fun.

“She also shouldn’t have spent all that money bailing out Gerry Harvey! What was with that?”

When our team of journalists put the rather odd question to the Millenial herself, she really was not sure why she did it either.

“I don’t know why I did it, I just don’t know,” stated O’Neil, staring into an empty K-Mart bowl she was not able to fully clean as her apartment does not have a dishwasher.

“I guess I thought it was the right thing to do.”

Founder of electronics retailer Harvey Norman, Gerry Harvey claimed millions of dollars worth of JobKeeper subsidies which he stated he will not be returning due to it being “a tiny amount of money,” in a real statement that he actually said.

As someone who only received one pay packet’s worth of JobKeeper before being made redundant, O’Neil is not sure why the government is so chill about Harvey stating he will keep the money and even less sure why she contributed funds to keep his dying retail business afloat.

“I could have done so much with that money. I could have bought breakfast, paid rent for a shitbox in the CBD, fuck I could have poured it out on the streets and watched people fight like lubricated animals.”

“Damn it, I bloody well could have even put down a 0.09% deposit on a home but that’s not going to happen now because I gave Gerry Harvey the money he needed to sell TVs person to person.”

“At least he says he will give it back through paying higher taxes!” 


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