LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

A forensic team was nearly called to the bathroom of a Betoota Heights home today after family patriarch Reginald Cloones (54) absolutely devastated the family bathroom.

After a lengthy stay inside the bathroom his four children rely on for hygiene, Cloones emerged with a newspaper, a faint smirk and a warning to his offspring.

“I’d give the loo a minute,” stated Cloones, struggling to conceal the pride he clearly holds for his horrific bowel movement. 

“If after that it still stinks, we may need to move house!”

Following their dad’s most thinly veiled look of regret, his youngest child vowed to only wee outside, and his eldest, Deeyana Cloones (24), claims she is super upset at her dad, which is pretty rich considering she pays no board.

“He did that on purpose,” stated Deeyana, as she applied a Vicks moustache under her nose.

“Thing is, mum and dad have an ensuite. He could have dropped in there but he didn’t, either because he didn’t want the consequences 5 feet from where he sleeps or because he wanted us to know.”

“Probably a bit of both.” 

However, according to the beaming offender himself, Mr Cloones states it was just a clear-cut case of nature calling.

“Sorry kids! Something to remember me by!”


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