ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The dream of having affordable Scottish brain varnish and rooted oral health is getting closer to becoming a reality for all Australians as the government looks to slam dunk a Free Trade Deal with the United Kingdom in the coming days.

Scotch, fucked teeth, fucked cars and panadol are the UK’s biggest exports to Australia and for generations, those things have been out of reach.

For generations, the people of Australia have longed to sip blended Scotch whiskey as they sit on the tailgate of a Range Rover or Discovery. They’ve dreamed about having a smile that would darken a room.

“And now, we’re almost there,” said the Prime Minister this morning from Cornwall.

Scott Morrison is currently attending the G7 Conference in England after being invited much like a strange cousin gets a bait to a wedding.

On the top of his agenda, the UK Free Trade Deal and perhaps some pensive discussions with other world leaders such as Canada’s Justin Trudeau.

“We know how expensive it is to get wankered on fine Scotch from Scotland in Australia,” said Scott.

“For decades, only the wealthy have been able to pickle their livers with Johnny Walker Green and Purple. Looking at you, Derryn. That liver could’ve gone to a child. Anyway, looking forward to getting down to business and nutting this deal out.”

More to come.


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