ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A new report commissioned by the nation’s peak scientific body has concluded that it’s almost always the people who’d be among the first to die from the super spicy cough that wants it to be let loose on society at large.

Australians such as Clive Palmer and George Christensen, who’ve both been openly ridiculed in Parliament by sanctimonious inner-city lefties to their conservative counterparts, have suggested that masks don’t work and that locking the entire country down to keep the old, poor, sick and disabled people alive is just madness.

However, as the CSIRO concluded today, the super spicy cough that’s on the loose in New Cough Wales right now would turn their lungs inside out quicker than a hollow point.

“Our research suggests Clive Palmer’s prognosis could be measured in minutes, should he become infected with the Pangolin’s Wrath,” said the report.

“He would deteriorate quicker than a vintage British car on the Birdsville Track. Quite simply, his meat sack of a body would not stand up to the rigours of the virus. It’d lie down like Sally Robbins and wait for the next race,”

“Same can be said for George Christensen. Should he catch this plague, he’d be deleted quicker than a sixteen-year-old’s internet history. Like a flash. He’d probably be one of those poor fucking people that die at home because he lives in a Nationals seat where you get fuck all unless some other freaks like One Nation or the Shooters make it marginal. For lack of a better term, if George Christensen got this virus, he’d be totally fucked.”

The Advocate reached out to Clive Palmer for comment but he was still in bed and George Christensen’s office explained he was busy doing laps around the Chinese Embassy while staring menacingly at the security guard each time.

More to come.


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