ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local law enforcement officer from the City Of Betoota Metropolitan Police has reportedly shot and killed a shopper this morning inside a French Quarter supermarket.

The officer came upon the scene to find a grown man attempting to purchase an entire pallet of toilet paper, leaving the countless other shoppers without any.

After trying to reason with the shopper, it’s alleged that the policeman asked onlookers if any of them cared if he just shot the shopper on the spot and none of them did.

One witness who spoke to The Advocate said the policeman tried to stop the man but was told he was well within his right to purchase half a tonne of toilet paper if he desired.

“Then the policeman turned around and asked us if any of us would mind if he discharged his weapon in the direction of the selfish shopper and none of us said anything, except for a few blokes who said do it,” they said.

“A minute later, the cop unholstered his pistol and told everyone to block their ears. The shopper looked up from his pallet jack just as the bullet began to tunnel through his forehead. The top of his skull opened like the Space Shuttle but except for a new satellite coming out, it was just bits of brain and hair. It hit the ceiling with a wet slap well before the rest of the shopper’s body had time to even register the fact that it was now without a brain. The air was thick with a metallic heaviness from all the blood,”

“Seconds later, it flopped on the floor and the policeman took two steps toward it. With his left hand, the cop shielded his own face from the splashback as he fired another round through the bridge of the man’s nose, spit-balling the brain stem out onto the linoleum around the back of his head like a fleshly fan of peacock feathers,”

“While some other shoppers were appalled and many ran for their lives, a few of us thanked the policeman and began helping ourselves one by one to the pallet of liberated toilet roll,”

“It was a real carnival-like atmosphere. But it really gives credence to the old adage that Australia really is the land of, ‘Fuck you, I’ve got mine,’ doesn’t it?”

The Advocate reached out to the City Of Betoota Metropolitan Police for comment but have been told they don’t comment on operational matters.

More to come.


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