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“Yes,” he said.

“If you buy your kid a three-wheeled scooter because they can’t ride a two-wheeled variety, you are setting your child up for failure.”

That’s the opinion of a parent who is too broke to be a yuppie.

Learning to ride a bike or scooter should be punctuated with skinned knees, elbows and undiagnosed mild concussions – not hugs and kisses.

A child that rides a three-wheeled scooter is a wimp destined to live a life within the safe harbour of mediocrity and guilty privilege.

Speaking exclusively to The Advocate in his nauseatingly smooth voice, popular local child psychologist Michael Blue-Septum agreed with the sentiments of said broke yuppie.

“If you want my learned opinion, buying a kid a three-wheeled scooter makes them weak,” he said.

“They’re the type of kids who play soccer. You learn nothing about life by playing that game. Look at America. They suck at soccer but are really good at war. Every country that is good at soccer is also great at losing wars. Same can be said about those tricycle scooters,”

“Would a kid who grew up on a three-wheeled scooter have it in him to bayonet a Russian teenager? Because he’s going to need that pizzazz in twenty years when it all kids off. Jesus wept.”

The Advocate reached out to a polite city worker who bought his son a three-wheeled scooter for his birthday but he couldn’t stop crying after watching Castaway.

More to come.



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