ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Brighton man who fled the Melbourne lockdown has told The Advocate today that he’s been forced to start saying his vowels properly in Queensland so nobody suspects a thing.

Rather than saying ‘Malben’, Mark Puffer has been saying ‘Melburn’ when he’s cursing out the city and their people for repeatedly ruining the nation’s way of life.

“I was playing Clive Palmer’s course here the other day when I got paired with some locals who said we’d be better off as a country if we just dropped a hydrogen bomb of Melbourne, killing everyone there and turning it into a glass bowl,” he said.

“Of course, I was annoyed and felt angry. But I laughed and joined in. I said, ‘Yeah, those filthy cunts need to be fenced in and set on fire!’ and those toothless rednecks screamed with laughter,”

“I’ve had to start saying my vowels like a stupid Queensland redneck. Lucky, I did some amateur theatre when I was at Melbourne University, which is the highest rated university in the country. It’s a small price to pay. I love Melbourne and Victoria. Dan is the man but like, I suffered through the lockdown and I couldn’t do it again and I don’t have the St Kilda Sneeze so like I’m not hurting anyone by being here,”

“And this is all off the record, right?”

Our reporter indicated that it wasn’t off the record and Mark just sighed.

More to come.


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