ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The roadmap for the nation’s weeping anal fissure to come out of lockdown has been revealed today.

Sydney will come out of lockdown on Tuesday, the 18th of October – 113 days after the lockdown began.

That will mean that the Harbour City would’ve been in lockdown for one day longer than the rat people of Melbourne, says NSW Premier, who also insisted that it’s not a competition between the two cites.

“Can I just say,” she said.

“The data that I have in front of me indicates that we will be seeing an easing on restrictions in October. If I had to guess, restrictions and the lockdown will begin to ease on the 18th. That’ll mean the City of Sydney would’ve been in lockdown for 113 days,”

“That’s one day longer than Melbourne’s, which means they can no longer take to Twitter and have a fat sook about being the unsung heroes of the pandemic,”

“Can I just say, thank you for letting me say these words and can I say that we will get through this. Thank you.”

Health sausage Brad Hazzard then cleared his throat and stepped up to the lectern.

“In the 19th century, there were parts of The Rocks most ordinary folk wouldn’t dare to enter,” he said.

“Lest they run into The Rocks Push [sheepishly giggles],”

“The underground bare-knuckle boxing gang were known by some as larrikins, and others as criminals. Their leader was Larry Foley, a notorious fighter inside and outside the ring. Former opposition leader is Luke Foley is no relation,”

“Thank you.”

More to come.


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