ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has told journalists in Melbourne this morning that tonight, he’s going to be drinking from the bottom shelf in his garage after the state surpassed a hundred new infections of the Sydney Sneeze yesterday.

“This is another grim milestone for Victoria,” he said.

“Tonight, there will be no top-shelf Australian-made whiskey. There won’t even be a warm can of Melbourne Bitter. Nor an icy can of Victoria Bitter, the Green Menace. This have gotten so bad here in Victoria, I won’t even punish myself with a Carlton Cold. Last week, I said tonight was a whiskey from a plastic jug night,”

“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I’m going to get home and hug my family. Then, I’m going walk into the garage, flick on the light. Scan the room. Pensively look at my car and the pushbike I got for Christmas in 2013. Walk past them,”

“On the bottom shelf in my garage, there’s a small tin of varnish that I got to do the coffee table with. I was going to sand it back and refinish it last year in March. A lot has happened then. Anyway, there’s about a pint of varnish there,”

“I’m going to open the tin of varnish and perhaps put on one of my Dave Brubeck records. Take a seat on cold concrete floor of the garage and maybe recline a bit. Pop the lid off the tin and just start drinking. Six-hundred mils of the good stuff. Oh Dave, play that piano like it owes you money,”

“That’s just a small example of how bad things have gotten in Victoria. It’s bottom shelf time.”

Mr Andrews then nodded and put his mask back on.

Victorian CHO Brett Sutton then stepped up to the microphones and reminded residents that drinking varnish is extremely hazardous to your health and should only be done by those who have the strongest constitution.

“Dan knows what he’s doing,” said Sutton.

More to come.


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