ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Devices used to blast faeces from the bleached arseholes of Byron residents have been stripped from supermarket shelves throughout the Northern Rivers today as the so-called lockdown begins across the region.

The hottest item in the area is a personal bidet, according to data provided by Woolworths and the countless residents of the area taking to social media to vent their frustrations at seeing empty shelves.

“I thought we were better than this, Byron!” said one Instagram user.

“What am I supposed to do now? Use toilet paper like I’m some sort of Alstonville cave person? I don’t think so.”

Another Instagram user said she’s been forced to empty herself in the ocean now, due to the bidet shortage.

She finds the process “annoying” as she lives some 15 minutes from the beach and often has difficulty trying to find a part.

“Honestly Byron!” she said.

“There’s enough bidets to go ’round!”

However, yet another fucking person in the place ruined by obese yuppies in their trucker hats and tight white t-shirts took to social media to blame tourists for the appalling behaviour.

“Someone should just drive a truck into that supermarket,” he said.

“That would sort it out.”

His comments were heavily criticised by his fellow residents, who said they’d chin him worse than Rex Hunt and Xavier Rudd put together when they next saw him.

As for the bidet situation, the polite young man that our reporter spoke to at the Byron Woolworths said he had no idea what was going on and frankly didn’t care about the situation at all.

More to come.


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