ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Member for New England Barnaby Joyce has floated his own plan to tackle the fresh hell that’s descended on Melbourne this morning.

“It would be my suggestion,” said the yuppie’s nightmare.

“That we pull Melbourne with a pair of D6s and a length of good anchor chair. Push it up into piles, maybe even rake it and rock pick the country, then burn off the scrub and old buildings. Perhaps sow some natural pasture and let the country come back a bit,”

“Then the Commonwealth could run some good first-cross ewes or something. Maybe a dozen or so good poll Hereford cows. Not sure if they still have good Hereford bulls up at Ellerstone we could throw over them. Anyway, it’s just a thought because that city is a weeping wound on this nation and we need to do something about it before it inevitably drops the ball again,”

“Just a suggestion.”

The suggestion was widely condemned by members from Melbourne.

Former Opposition leader Bill Shorten took exception to Mr Joyce’s plan for Melbourne, asking him what would become of his home in Melbourne’s Moone Ponds as well as the millions of other dwellings across the city-state.

“Well, as I said, under my plan we’d push it up in a heap with about five or six other homes and soak it in diesel then torch the cunt,” said Joyce.

He was then asked to leave the House by the Speaker.

More to come.


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