FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

School bullies and older siblings alike are facing a challenging start to the year as China bans the export of the popular Chinese Burn.  

The four 40 foot containers unloaded in Port Botany today could be the last shipments into the foreseeable future and stocks are expected to be exhausted by mid-February.   

The Chinese Burn, which is applied by twisting the skin of the victim’s forearm in opposing directions has long been used to cause pain and redness for complex social and psychological reasons.  

“Man, this is total bullshit!” exclaimed proudly independent school bully David Forge.

“The Chinese Burn is my speciality, and a critical tool to keep the nerds under control.”

“When my current stock of Chinese Burns runs out I’ll be forced to resort to the noogie and the nipple cripple, but I feel my clientele prefer a more hands-on approach.”

“This could be the worst thing to happen to bullying since they put up that “This school says NO to bullying” banner. The government needs to sort this shit out before it damages the entire intimidation industry.”

However, not all reactions to the move have been critical.

Cultural Commentator and Television Antenna Installation Technician Joe Stapen is supportive of the Burn Ban.

“Nobody wins in a trade war, but overall, this is a move in the right direction” he said, from a rooftop in Currans Hill, NSW.

“I hope we never see Chinese Burns again. They’re culturally insensitive and historically inaccurate. There is nothing to suggest Chinese people ever applied the Chinese Burn, and even if they did, they wouldn’t have called it that, they would have just called it the ‘burn’. And they wouldn’t have used that word because it’s an English word.”


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