ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The faceless jar of talking mayonnaise that moonlights as our federal trade minister has gone on television and lied, saying the nation isn’t currently in the throes of a trade war with China.

Minister Mayonnaise was invited onto the ABC’s 730 last night to talk shop but took the opportunity to mislead this public.

“These are just misunderstandings,” said the jar.

“Australia obviously isn’t pumping wine into China at below cost. The same with barley. There’s a few other things I’m not remembering but you get the idea,”

“And the whole business with the journalists being railroaded into leaving China was also a massive misunderstanding. The Chinese are our friends and they like to give us money for our nice things such as iron ore and Penfolds. Not the fancy Penfolds, but the type of stuff that strips the varnish off your coffee table if you spill a bit on it. I’m sure this will all come out in the wash.”

The jar of mayonnaise said they’d be open for a resumed dialogue with China but only if they’re planning on coming to the table.

More to come.


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