A local Sydney woman who is definitely, definitely not in denial, is reportedly trying to convince her friend visiting from New York that having a good time is an incredibly overrated activity, and is nothing compared to the fulfilment you get from going to bed at 9pm after watching three episodes of ‘Love Island Australia’ back-to-back on a Saturday night

Mel Simmons, a 27-year-old former musician and current second-hand insurance salesman, is reportedly thrilled at the impact that Sydney’s controversial Lockout Laws have introduced to the city, claiming that her life is so much better now that she doesn’t waste her evenings on over-hyped pastimes like spending time with friends or being happy.

“Honestly, it’s so much better now” said Ms Simmons, while packing away her guitar and replacing it in the living room with a third ‘chores’ whiteboard.

“Back in the day, I used to spend pretty much every weekend at gigs or out and about at bars, making and listening to tons of amazing music and meeting incredible new people that would go on to become life-long friends. It fucking sucked so bad”

“I mean, there was a point in my life where pretty much all I was doing was enjoying myself. It was just the worst”.

“Hell, I even met the my fiancé at a gig in Kings Cross. Can you imagine that? A Gig! In Kings Cross! I can’t believe that was even a thing”

Ms Simmons, who currently has an old Uni friend from New York staying over, is hoping that she can convince her mate that Sydney’s new ‘fun-free’ lifestyle is a way better way to live than what they used to do, and in doing so, convince herself that she’s not blowing her life savings by living in this city.

“I keep trying to remind him how bad things were back at Uni. I mean, it was just a constant stream of being grown adults making our own decisions on how and when to enjoy ourselves after a tough week of working and studying. Absolutely horrible, it was”

“I mean, there were some weekends where we didn’t watch Love Island”

Ms Simmons is hoping that by telling enough people about what a great city Sydney has become since the lockout laws came, she can keep justifying her decision to not move to Melbourne when she was 21.

“Melbourne schmelbourne! This is the best city in Australia. At the very least, the best city in New South Wales. After Wollongong”


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