11 May, 2016. 11:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

MAKING OUT WITH YOUR boyfriend in a country under Shari’a Law is considered safer than riding a bicycle in the Brisbane traffic. That’s because the Queensland government legalised running over cyclists this morning – just days the blitz on ride-sharing app Uber.

People riding bikes in traffic has been a contentious issue in the River City for years, but in what’s being interpreted as a win for motorists, their peddling days may be numbered.

In response to the new laws, Queensland Health has begun to import a raft of orthopaedic surgeons and anaesthetists to cope with the expected spike in broken bones that typically arise from being crushed under an automobile.

Speaking today from the passenger seat of her husband’s Toyota Landcruiser, Premier Anna Palaszczuk said now is the time to invest in a bullbar/scrub bar combination before they get too expensive.

“The biggest thing to take away from today’s decision to legalise running over cyclists is that bullbars and scrub bars are about to become very expensive,” she said.

“After you plough through your first pack of those plastic shirt fucks down by the Kangaroo Point cliffs or something, the bullbar will pay for itself,”

“We’re considering introducing legislation to reintroduce Uber to the market, as long as they run over three bike riders a shift.” she said.

Drivers have been warned, however, that you still aren’t allowed to run over a kill a cyclist. The law protects a motorist from anything but vehicular manslaughter or murder.

One former cyclist has spoken out against the laws, saying that after he learned riding his bike on a public road is a virtual death sentence, he started riding a Razor scooter on the footpath.

Sadly, he was mistaken for a bike rider and was promptly run over by a Tarago full of Tongans while still pushing himself along on a Wynnum footpath, just metres from his home.

“I broke 17 bones, ruptured both of my ear drums, lost three toes, nine teeth and probably an eye in the accident,” said East Brisbane bartender Miles Glender.

“My scooter and lifeless body ended up causing thousands of dollars worth of damage to the Tarago, now I’m being sued for the repairs – and it’s all legal.”

“It seems if you need to get anywhere in Brisbane these days, you either need to own a car or pay some deviant to drive you there,”

“I’m moving to Sydney.”




  1. Epic fail Dumbass. About as funny as a truckload of dead babies. Maybe you are trying to pump out too much.

  2. Bout time cant stand them,like hundreds off thousands off others im sick to the bone getting stuck on 100kmh motorways or around town by numerous pushbikes out on the car lane,especially when theres over 1 mtr off perfect bitumen with a clear white line they refuse to ride on because they think they own the road not paying rediculous registration etc.theres not one person ive met in many years that doesnt agree.most mentle part off it all they just keep haven a yarn mate while theres 25 cars banking up as there overtaken by the crickets & butterflys…..imagine running any transport business with the time expectations today or a mother with toddlers or kids in car sick or screaming etc and you have the mighty lycra crew haven a yarn mate bout the new melvern star halfway across to centerline while one or none use the shoulder….then crack out the new centre lines with a mtr gap baaahaa if only i went to uni to produce these rules and regulations that make the older generation look silly NOOOOT GET OFF THE DRIVEING LANES your making the majority off community hate yas when there is enough room for all.better idea buy a motorcycle and ride were you like AT the speed limit . anybody can see or have ridden pushbikes will admit the health benefits but annoying 95% off road users daily for years now wears thin.

  3. Nope not bad taste at all, just wishful thinking for any normal person who has put up with the shitty riding skills of lycra cyclists in this country.

  4. This is not a time for levity
    For years I’ve said that our road network is neither a recreation area nor proving ground for extreme sports folk so I am against this, unless maybe for localised culling by trained experts!

  5. Target practice. If you can’t keep up with traffic and abide by the rules then get the fuck off the road. It causes more accidents than it it’s worth. Every hospitalised biker should be fined for traffic inconvenience. I hope they all get hit.

  6. I love it how controversial articles are put out like this one with the option of commenting but yet they await moderation. Shouldn’t you put first that “if your comment doesn’t agree with my opinion then it won’t be published?” Fuckin wanker!


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