ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

BOASTING TO HIS MATES by counting to ten in Thailandish, Gavin Hoskins says he’s “near fucking fluent” in our neighbour’s language after landing back in Perth early this morning.

Thai is a form of standardised Siamese and is considered to be an easier language to learn but one of the most difficult to master.

“Sawasdee krab, cunt,” said Hoskins, through a haze of clove cigarette smoke. “My carry on was chock full of smokes. Didn’t declare a single fucking one either.”

He has fond memories of Pattaya. In 1997, Gavin booked his first tropical holiday after learning that the tourist mecca was substantially cheaper than his usual holiday up to the Port Stephens, known locally as Bankstown-by-the-sea. It hasn’t always been that case.

In a more sombre visit, Hoskins arrived in Bangkok to throw his support behind infamous Australian drug mule, Schapelle Corby – only to find out that she was, in fact, incarcerated on the Indonesia island of Bali.

“I nearly went off the cunt of a place when they locked her up,” he said. “And when they shot those drug runners, it nearly made me fucking blow my lid. But then I remembered. That’s the corrupt, disgusting Indonesian government at work. The Balinese people are beautiful and that why I might go back some day.”

“Until then, I’m just going to enjoy Pattaya for all its natural beauty.”

According to the Bureau of Statistics, nearly all Australian passport holders travelling to Pattaya attained an ATAR below 70. Most work in menial roles such as boiler making or advertising. Half of those polled by the ABS said they didn’t know who the current prime minister is.



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