ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

As the almighty sky pangolin has not yet finished exacting it’s revenge upon this god-forsaken island, one local man has told this masthead down at the Lord Betoota in the Old City that he might has well make the most of this sunny Friday.

He raised his concerns with The Advocate that the Melbourne Lung Itch might spread north, taking with it the hard-working people of New South Wales and the universally loved people of Queensland.

“Nobody cares about South Australians, they talk like deaf English people,” he said.

“Anyway, I’m going to push the boat out tonight. For everyone in Victoria who can’t. In addition to the boat pushing, I will also let some dogs out for them. It’s not that I like Victorians, in fact, I think they are pretty up themselves and need to start washing their hands but that’s just me. But, you know, they’re Australians and that means they can’t be too bad of a blokes.”

When asked by our reporter how many pints he’d had this afternoon, the man said he’d had seven.

“Oh yeah, I guess you could say the boat is well and truly off the trailer at this stage. What were we talking about?” he said.

“Anyway. Do you have any darts?”

More to come.


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