Locked down Sydney man Gene Pinkerton has made the unconscious decision to blame his state government for his recent string of poor decisions.

Notably, the out-of-work disc jockey has begun indulging in high calorie treats with the vigor of a roman noble but without the dignity of emptying his guts in a vomitorium between courses. 

“Fucking lockdown,” sighed Pinkerton, as he looked upon an empty packet to Tim Tams like it was the carcass of an albatros he had needlessly killed. 

“I just opened that one as well.” 

According to Pinkerton, everyone has their own way of regaining the control they have lost during lockdown, he just happens to be eating a Matt Prestonian amount of Tim Tams in place of dinner almost every evening.

“Just on days when I feel like I need a win.” 

“Like yesterday, I didn’t get out of bed until 12:34pm and then I wasn’t very productive although I only watched porn once which is actually pretty good so I had a cheeky half sleeve to celebrate.” 

“Lockdown man. What are you gonna do?” 

Initially Pinkerton states he was concerned that his biscuit binge would see him stack on weight before summer but realised he didn’t care due to the possibility that he could still be locked down by then.

“It’s not like I’m smoking or getting stoned every day. I mean I would have liked to but my dealer is being weird about delivering during lockdown like he’s scared to break the law or something. Good thing my Timmy dealer doesn’t feel the same haha.” 

“You blokes wanna stay a little longer? I just opened a fresh pack. They’re salted caramel ones. Really yummy.”


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