An aging multimillionaire by virtue of owning property named Barry Wilson is today struggling to come to terms with some irrepressible feelings.

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The man whose growing property holdings have appreciated at a rate seven to eight hundred percent quicker than the average wage explained that he is battling internally with warm and fuzzing feelings for local tennis player Nick Kyrgios.

Kyrgios has stormed back into the news cycle today by labeling world number one Novak Djokovic a ‘tool,’ firing a shot at Bernard Tomic and his girlfriend – and by generally not being a whinging entitled tennis player completely removed from the everyday reality most people face.

That solidarity with everyday Australians, his continuing charity work, his leadership on last summers bushfires that arguably outdid our PM and his ability to demonstrate that his behaviour on the court shouldn’t be the sole metric a modern-day professional sports player should be judged by has taken its toll on Betoota Grove local Barry.

“Fuck, I’ve spent so long working myself up not to like the bloke because of some prejudices I have, which I will only publicly articulate in the form of vague generalisations, but I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on,” sighed Barry to us this morning.

“The way he calls out other tennis players and seems to be a generally good bloke off the court is grinding me down,” sighed the man that was forced to admit last year that Kyrgios was ‘alright.’

“Maybe I should just let my guard down and admit I like and admire the bloke?”

“But what happens then. It’s a slippery slope,” he sighed.


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