Local bloke Matt Willis doesn’t know what the fuck determinism means, but he’s not about to admit it.

The tradie allegedly found himself stuck in the crossfires of a philosophical d’n’m one Saturday night after being invited to what he’d assumed would be a relaxed pissup with some mates.

As someone who was only capable of uttering a few monosyllables before experiencing respiratory exhaustion, Matt was shocked to discover his mates had watched a little bit too much Joe Rogan that afternoon and were in the mood for some shit chat.

That, coupled with the sweet sounds of the Gatorade saxophone, has ended up in some world views being expanded.

“BRO, you’ve got it ass backwards, that’s fucking fatalism. Like yeah, they’re both about the future being predetermined but determinism is more about..fuck I don’t know, they seem pretty similar to me.”

“I think determinism is like, if someone tells you’re going to die by, I don’t know, getting crushed by a car so you end up avoiding traffic by staying in your house all the time and then BAM, a fucking crane drops a car on you.”

“Why the fuck would a crane drop a car on my house? Why is it THERE?”

“So like Final Destination? Should we watch it?” As the conversation deepened, Matt’s mate Liam, started feeling a bit of the rum rage.

“That’s fucked, so what you’re pretty much saying is that if someone does something shitty it’s not really their fault because it was supposed to happen? So Jessica was supposed to hook up with that coffee wanker, was she?”

“No, it’s that life’s meaningless, and nothing really exists so fuck morals, we’re going to die anyway.”

“That’s nihilism dude.”

“Actually I think what Nathan is saying is technically…Hitler did nothing wrong.”

“Fuck off Neil.”

“Get off Reddit mate.”

Blazed off his face, and with nothing meaningful to contribute to the conversation, Matt drops in the occasional ‘yeah 100%’ and hopes no one notices how completely out of his depth he is.

More to come.


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