LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

As Australian politicians continue to sue for defamation instead of doing something about climate change, the portion of the population that doesn’t tune into Murdoch’s Playschool every day is wishing the current coalition government could just do the bare minimum.

According to these ‘loud Australians,’ the best place to start would be treating the dying planet in the same way the LNP treats the dying fossil fuel industries.

“First of all, we need to call to their attention that the planet is full of retired former frontbenchers on ridiculously high salaries,” stated voter Tammy Hughes (36) who as someone who cares about the environment is often branded as a radical leftist.

“Once they figure that out they might be able to cancel out the carbon footprint of Scotty operating a campaign bus while he was flying everywhere.”

Hughes then ran our reporting team through the rest of her ten-point plan, designed to get LNP politicians interested in saving the planet by disguising it as planetary destruction.

“Part of the plan involves encouraging the renewable sector to employ large amounts of soy-latte hating blue-collar workers in marginal seats who are completely unable to transfer skills to another industry.” 

“Once that’s done you watch how quickly they [politicians] will put a hardhat on and stand next to a solar panel like they’ve never seen an oil derrick.” 

The plan also outlines several social upstream solutions such as getting rich people into ice climbing so they are more motivated to keep the global temperature low.

While Hughes plans to trick the government into saving the planet that they, their voters, and literally every other human not in the International Space Station live on, she states there is still a lot of planning to be done.

“We’re still not sure how we are ever going to match the fossil fuel bribes. Those things are pretty juicy and I think the inherent evil just makes them just all the more appealing.” 

“Also I’m a graphic designer. These are just my thoughts, I don’t know how any of this would actually be implemented.” 


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