ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Japan has sent Canberra a message this morning to ask what our plans are with 80 beached whales on Tasmania’s wild western fringe.

The message, which was relayed by the Japanese Ambassador to Australia to the Prime Minister, asked the nation if we’re going to eat these large marine mammals – and if we weren’t going to eat them, could Japan please have them.

“It would be shameful to see such a waste of prime whale,” said the Ambassador.

“But as a Western nation, being wasteful comes second nature to you. Please do not let these whales die in vain,”

“Japan would like to do some research as to why they became beached, then we would like to eat them. Such as there is no waste. Please keep that in mind. We already have ships in the Southern Ocean so just give us the word and we’ll steam on up. Arigato, friends.”

Scott Morrison, the affable gent who moonlights as our Prime Minister, has yet to respond to the Japanese offer but told this mast head this morning that the government will consider all possible solutions.

“Australians, who are born from ANZAC mateship, do what Australians do best. We are a humble nation of doers and we reward those having a go. We’re a fair nation, Australia – and Australians need to be fair in order to receive fairness,”

“In terms of this offer, I’m not sure. Wasn’t it the Japanese, some 80 years ago now, who once dropped bombs on us? Didn’t they put our grandpas into prisoner of war camps and make them build railroads to modern-day Myanmar? For free? These are things we should consider,”

“But in saying that, we have many Rats of Tobruk who are now at peace with the Germans. Some even see a Mercedes drive past and think, ‘Jeepers Creepers! I wish I was young enough to drive one of those!’ which is positive,”

“Because Australians have that level of forgiving panache. They often do not listen, either. I’ve been talking for about 4 minutes now and I haven’t really said anything.”

More to come.


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