ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The depraved back and forth rally between the planet’s tech giants and the Federal Government over paying for news content has plunged to new depths today.

Scott Morrison and Peter Dutton appeared at a joint press conference this morning to dispell fears that the media landscape will be decimated should this new legistlation pass into law.

“If you write nice things about us,” said Scott Morrison.

“Us being the government, then it’s going to be business as usual. Where you could run into trouble is if you refer to my friend here Peter Dutton as a bald-headed, lobeless dumb cunt who can’t count to 45,”

“If you’re one of the nasty, racist news media outlets that keeps saying these nasty, racist things about members of the Coalition Governemnt, then expect to be wiped out when this passes parliament,”

“Without Facebook and Google to distribute their content, they’ll cease to exist and everyone will be forced to get their news from Nine, NewsCorp or if they’re those rich, inner-city types, they’ll be getting it from the Australian Bolchevik Channel! Even they’ve started to come ’round to us!”

“We went into this thing knowing that Google and Facebook would never, ever pay for news content, which only means one thing can happen. The death of everyone who says bad things about us,”

“For the average consumer of news, nothing will change. You’ll still be able to come home from work, throw the prepackaged family-sized lasagne in the oven, grab and beer or a wine and curl up on the couch to watch the 6pm news. All those scary stories coming out of the big city, so far away,”

“A big change is coming through, the temperatures dropped a few degrees. You can hear the wind roaring through the ghost gums. An erant chiming coming from the neighbour’s back verandah. ‘Close the bloody windows!’ you yell down the all at the kids. Life is tough but it’s all right. You’re in debt up to your fucken eyeballs. A Ford Ranger and a Hyundai Santa fucking Fe on the driveway side by side. $2000 a month it costs you. His and hers. A house you can barely afford that you’re only one workplace accident away from losing? It’s the Australian Dream,”

“How good’s Australia? How good’s Channel Nine News!”

Peter Dutton went to say something but only a bit of spit came out.

More to come.


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