ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The current situation in our nation’s second strangest state is now at the point where their leader, Dan Andrews, is now telling the denizens of the cold country that he’s drinking from the bottom shelf.

“Tonight is a Black Booster night,” Premier Dan Andrews told media today in Melbourne, the third coldest place in Australia after Blayney and Stanthorpe.

“Things aren’t going too well in Victoria right now and it’s pretty much all the fault of the NSW Government. In fact, if you are an Australian right now facing any super-flu-related hardship, it is Gladys Berejiklian’s fault,”

“So tonight, the Australian whiskey is safe. That’s my top shelf. On my second bottom shelf is Victoria Bitter. Like most people with a functioning brain, I hate Victoria Bitter. Yesterday, I got home and cracked a Victoria Bitter and stood at the back door and had a Winfield Blue as I took pained sips of the Green Menace,”

“I hated it. Fuck me dead, I hate cigarettes and I fucking HATE Victoria Bitter. Anyway, tonight. I’m going to sit out in the backyard, in the shade while this howling Melbournese breeze sucks the soul out of me, and have a pot of Black Booster and a filterless White Ox. I’ll even lie down on the wet grass in my beige Gazmans. It’s fucken grim out there so I hope none of you are sitting at home drinking the good shit like some obese, body-hairless-Bolt simp out in Toorak or Brighton – AKA cuntsville,”

“Fuck me, this all could’ve been avoided.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here