ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has sensationally resigned this afternoon, ending a decades long career in the public service of Australia’s weirdest people.

Speaking to the media today in Melbourne, Mr Andrews said he was beginning to think about a life after politics – when he says it means it’s time to move on.

“I want to spend more time at home, watching the kids grow up and being more present in the home. That’s what I want to do,” he said.

“Obviously, I will also be spending time with my close personal friend Bill Gates. We’re actually going around Kingston Heath on the weekend. We’re also thinking about doing Cape Wickham and Barnbougle next week,”

“Without the help of Bill, I don’t think Victorians would’ve come out the other side of the pandemic in such great shape. We’re the only place on earth that crushed delta. Remember that. We did that with the help of Bill Gates. Me and Bill are such good mates. We can laugh about it now,”

“And a big ‘Cher Cher’ to my friends in the Chinese Communist Party. Wagwan, my brothers. Knee-how-mah? Nah, look, without the help of the Chinese Government, again, we don’t know where we’d be as a state. The pandemic was the toughest part of my political life and we really were building the plane as we were flying it. Really, without my close personal friend Bill Gates and my brother from another mother Xi Jinping, I think we’d be just a fancy, high-tech version of Tasmania. Victoria, that is, not Melbourne,”

“Anyway, thanks for listening, guys.”

The reporters then gave Mr Andrews a round of applause, which made the outgoing Premier shed a tear and dab in recognition.

More to come.


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