ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The NSW Premier has assured the people of her state that the government kind of knows what they’re doing right now as the nation’s most populous hell hole descends further down the toilet of life.

Speaking to the media – and the rest of the country – at 11am this morning, Gladys Berejiklian said that things might get worse than what they are now, maybe, but the government doesn’t really know.

“Believe it or not,” sighed Gladys.

“Things are going to get ever worse before they get better,”

“Actually, we’re not sure at the moment. We might be on the mend. It’s hard to tell, really. Like tomorrow we could have more, we could have less. If it were up to me, I’d just be reporting the jab numbers and that’d be that,”

“It’s not like me telling you the case numbers matters a fuck, does it? I mean, we’ve lost control of it. So has Canberra and so has Dan. So who cares? We’re obviously just going to have to ride it out so what difference does it make?”

The Premier then smiled and chuckled to herself then told Brad the handbag stand it was time for him to speak.

So he walked up to the microphones, cleared his throat and removed his mask.

“Hallucinations are bad enough. But after a while you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth,” he said.

“Most acid fanciers can handle this sort of thing. But nobody can handle that other trip-the possibility that any freak with $1.98 can walk into the Madame Tussaud’s and suddenly appear in the sky over downtown Sydney twelve times the size of God,”

“Howling anything that comes into his head. No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs.”

“Stay off the beach and wash your hands.”

More to come.


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