LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

Local call-centre worker Trish Barton (29) shook off the dust from last night’s binge with a 2 pm bacon and egg roll that provided everything she needed to go back to sleep.

Barton and a few work colleagues decided to celebrate having three fleeting days of freedom compared to the standard two fleeting days of freedom, by getting old-school munted on a hazardous mix double blacks and house white wine.

Unable to understand how she was able to change into her pyjamas before passing out, a red-eyed Barton awoke at 11:35 am wherein she spent 20 minutes weighing up whether or not she had to energy to make it to the bathroom and spew.

Deciding that she did, Barton emerged from the bathroom at 12:34 pm, six kilograms lighter, before sitting on her couch, resting her chin on a bucket and not quite having the energy to cry.

Putting ‘Friends’ on at 5% volume, Barton proceeded to order a bacon and egg roll on her phone. While usually able to navigate her food ordering app with ease, it took Barton almost an hour as she kept forgetting where she was and why she did half the things she did.

The bacon and egg roll arrived at Barton’s apartment at around 2 pm which she proceeded to erase from the planet Earth with intense proficiency. Halfway through the roll, Barton claimed to have found God inside as the grease from the bacon and sugar from the BBQ sauce reminded Barton why she occasionally makes an effort in her life.

Post-roll, Barton reportedly felt like she could do anything but desired nothing more than to go back to her partially soiled bed and sleep off her organ shattering hangover.

More to come.


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