First Azzurri took out the Euros, but no one saw this Olympics medal haul on the horizon for Italy as well.

A prominent car detailer from Betoota’s Flight Path District, Freddie Amarosi (28) was already unbearable a month ago.

That was before he even got to see the motherland’s unexpected medal streak at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.

However, after last night’s events, this voluble Italian-Australian is actually impossible to be around.

“What did I say” he asks his mates, as he power-drinks through this Olympics fever with yet another cold schooner.


“What have I been telling you idiots?”

“We are the fastest in the world. The strongest. The most agile”

“Not only do we have it over you uncultured swine when it comes to art and culture and cuisine. We are also superior athletes”

Freddie is of course talking about last night’s 100m sprint final.

Italy’s Lamont Marcell Jacobs claimed a stunning victory to take the gold medal, clocking 9.80 seconds in Tokyo to finish ahead of the USA’s Fred Kerley and Canada’s Andre De Grasse.

Jacobs became the first man to win the 100m other than Usain Bolt since Justin Gatlin in 2004.

However, despite the fact that he is the first Italian to ever win the race, the results come as no surprise to the hundreds of thousands of Italian-Australians who remain committed to the narrative that their people have always been in with a shot since the days of the Roman Empire.

“Mate, I always knew once those drug cheating Jamaicans retired… This was Italy’s for the taking” says Freddie.

“I can’t believe you dickheads are acting surprised”

“We used to own Europe, mate. You don’t think we can’t outrun Canada and America??”

“Haha fuck you skips really need to polish up on your ancient history”

With 4 Golds, 8 Silver and 15 Bronze – the Italians are now sitting at 9 on the official medal tally. They are still a couple rungs below Australia, but like Freddie says, when you take into account how badly they were affected by the virus last year – and the lack of resources they put into sport – they are technically doing better than anyone else in the world.

“Just wait until the Pentathlons start on Wednesday haha” says Freddie.

“Our people always have been strong in the Pentathlon”


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