ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Wanting to save the planet but refusing to release themselves to the rough sea of the local public transport system, a popular educated couple has curled up on their Matt Blatt sofa tonight – ready to tap into the zeitgeist.
As half a bottle of Côtes du Rhône sloshes around in their tum-tums, Jack and Francine Williams, of Betoota Grove put their 43-month-old grandson down for the night just in time for the 6pm News Bulletin.
“It’s actually just called 6pm these days,” said Francine, correcting our reporter.
“Anyway, take your shoes off at the living room door please and be quiet. The show is about to begin.”
As the news anchors began to report the news in a fair and balanced manner, Jack’s eyes roll back in his head.
His 34-year-old bones writhe within his soft flesh while he bucks violently in ecstasy against the faux leather sofa.
“That means he likes it,” says Francie, smiling at our reporter.
“He loves how they don’t report on things like seiges in public housing estates and petrol prices.”
At this point, our reporter is physically disturbed by what he’s seeing.
The slithering and tongue-talking comes to a close as the familiar, crass jingle of Australian Story snaps Jack out of his trace.
“Oh jeez,” he says softly.
“I really got lost in the moment there, didn’t I? [laughs] Anybody need a top-up? Australian Story features too many athletes. I hate sport.”
Thinking the worst was behind him, our reporter also laughed nervously and took up the offer of another glass.
But by the time Four Corners rolled around, Francine joined Jack in another dimension of self-satisfaction.
This time our reporter observed them both slip off the couch and onto the Berber carpet, where they repeatedly tensed their bodies sharply and relieved themselves multiple times on the rug.
They stayed there for the duration of the landmark investigative journalism programme until Paul Barry’s cultivated tongue brought them back to reality.
“Look, honey. They’re going after The Telegraph again,” said Jack.
Francine didn’t respond – she was writhing all the way through until Q&A.
Mere seconds after Hamish McDonald, host of the panel show, uttered the name ‘Malcolm Turnbull’ they both let out a guttural moan and went back writhing around on the carpet for an hour.
With every ‘gotcha moment’ and speechless panellist, another primaeval grunt emerged from the Williams’ living room.
Just as he thought he’d better let himself out, the couple returned back to reality seemingly unaware of their actions over the past 3 hours.
“Hmmmm,” said Jack.
“Not the best Monday night I’ve had watching the ABC but fun and informative. Still more fun than watching that garbage on the commercial networks. Do you agree?”
Our reported nodded and said he agreed.
“You’ll have to come back next week. It’s book club.”
More to come.
