After a solid three months of benders, local man Patrick Field has decided to officially swap his 5 HTP for some Vitamin B12 in an effort to restore his wrecked body to its primary functions.

It’s alleged the twenty seven old had staged his own intervention when he’d woken up with a mysterious black eye one Sunday morning, and no recollection of the night before. 

Instead of easing off the alcohol and incorporating a more balanced lifestyle of health and the occasional vice, Patrick has instead tried to weaponise his addictive personality into trading booze and drugs, for green smoothies and the gym. Which is hard, given that the only thing his fairweather friends and him have in common is a shared love of narcotics.

Today’s invitation to a gastropub is going to be especially difficult for Patrick, as the combination of greasy comfort food and the three hour happy hour window is sure to tempt him. 

Opting for the healthiest meal on the menu, Patrick is relieved to discover his parmy comes with a pile of dry mesclun lettuce.

 “I’m almost thirty now so I should probably get my shit together”, explains Patrick to our reporter.

“Getting drunk every weekend is a young man’s game. You end up feeling like refried dog food half the time or sleeping all day.”

“Honestly, there are much better uses for my time. Like hiking and shit, I could do that.”

More to come.


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