A galaxy of excitable men powering through champagne mimosas at a prominent coffee house in Betoota’s trendy French Quarter have been identified by staff as either gay party boys, or a group of young English soccer hooligans.

It can only be one of the two.

The energy currently resonating from their table can only match that of a long awaited reunion of old Oxford street veterans, or a bunch of British lads who are trying to sink as much piss as possible before an afternoon of gambling and chasing Australian girls.

While this analysis may be perceived as an unfair generalisation, without one neckbeard or unironed shirt in sight – it is clear that these men cannot be both Australian and heterosexual.

On top of the playful tickling and overly dramatic eye rolling, the fact that all 15 blokes are immaculately groomed also points to the fact that they can only be gay Australians or toxically straight Brits.

A glance underneath the table also confirms this theory that these men don’t have girlfriends.

The perfectly sculpted lower legs indicate hours upon hours of squats and leg press – two gym exercises not often associated with the average group of drunken Australian blokes.

More commonly known as ‘Rushcutter Calves’ – this physical attribute is only really popular amongst both Geordie Shore types and Mardi Gras frontliners.

Anthropologists from the University of Western Queensland’s Betoota Campus have long studied the stylistic similarities between these two demographics of Betoota residents.

A recent paper published by UWQ has found that aside from the amount of time spent in the gym, there is only one thing that gay white collar Australians and unskilled British labourers have in common.

Despite the parallels in fashion and mannerisms – their hobbies and interests do not cross over at all – except for the fact that they all grew up with posters of David Beckham in their bedrooms.



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