Online bookies are currently offering very good odds that Scotty from Marketing has not once considered how to provide our elderly or homeless with vax passports, as the Prime Minister continues to surprise with how badly he has fucked up in his alleged managing of this pandemic.

As was announced last month, the federal government will be starting to roll out vax passports from next month, as the states gradually cave to his demands that they blame themselves for low rates of immunisations and open up as soon as they can.

While the states are doing their best to link-up their check-in apps with the highly-complicated medicare certificate of vax status, Scotty insists he’s got a propert passport on the way.

The details are still being finalised but the passport will live in a phone app and have the same personal information your normal passport has, plus a QR code that allows entry in cafes, shops, restaurants and airports.

The passport will be part of an internationally agreed system, kind of like ePassports, with the app and passport meeting international standards – however, like the internationally agreed system of protecting your own citizens with jabs – there is a big chance these digital vax passports will not arrive on time.

There is also a big chance that there are no alternative options for anyone who isn’t up to date with this technology, or can’t afford it.

It is not lost on the average voter that the PM is unable to envision himself in the shoes of anyone who does not own two cars and three negatively geared coastal properties, so the likelihood of him having considered the fact that there might be a vast number of people in our community who do not own a $1000 smartphone.

These people will slip through the cracks in the immediate future, just like they have done in the wake of his catastrophically incompetent attempts at public health messaging.

When asked today if he has a plan for providing these people with non-digital vax passports, the Prime Minister burst into laughter.

“HAHAHAHAHA!” he said.

“Wait what? You’re serious?”

“You want me to laminate them some cards like Blockbuster or something?”

“Are you kidding me hahahaha”

“Who the hell doesn’t own an iPhone? What the hell are you even talking about?”

“Man you people make me laugh”



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