A recent report by a hospitality industry body has found that the pure euphoria that will be triggered by our pubs re-opening is impossible to measure.

With today’s news that hotels and restaurants in Sydney and Melbourne could return to trade as soon as two weeks from now, guarded excitement has pinballed around both New South Wales and Victoria – providing everything goes to plan – which it often doesn’t when are relying on input from the Prime Minister.

The new study, conducted by the Licensing Inquiries and Testing For Australian Management (LitFam) ombudsman, has found that the sheer delight and ecstatic joy that will come from that first sip is almost too much to think about right now.

“What we have found is that Australians right around the country have begun fantasising about the muffled thud of warm hygge that resonates throughout the mind and soul after ripping into the schooeys with live sport playing in the background in a front bar full of mates, strangers and potential suitors” said key researcher, Professor Willie Anasta.

“The only way to measure this imminent assault on schooner and pint glasses around the country is with a rhetorical question”

“And that question is, how fucken good is that first sip gonna be?”

Some respondents have done their best to answer this impossibly difficult question, with many comparing this joy to their birth of their first son – or a 79th minute grand final win with a converted intercept try on the buzzer.

The LITFAM survey has also found that it is in the nation’s best interests that state governments now take this opportunity to wind back as much nanny state legislation around hotel licensing while everyone is in lockdown – so that Australians can sit in their favourite pubs non-stop for 12 hours interrupted when that time comes.

Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing says that while he understands some Australians like to partake in the sinful past time of having a few too many schooners, he wants to remind everyone that ‘it’s not a race’.


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