The Drunken Stockman Hotel in South Betoota today smells like a hospital, after all of its character was shampooed out of the carpets and fumigated from the walls last night.

This comes after the Betoota Mayor intervened on the pub’s Christmas trade and demanded the venue undertake a deep clean, just in case that dastardly virus had somehow made its way into the furniture.

On Sunday evening it was revealed that the town had received a visit from someone who had been living in the Northern Beaches of Sydney after the 11th of December.

As of this morning, Sydney’s Northern Beaches coronavirus cluster has grown to 90 after eight new positive infections were recorded since last night’s 8pm cut-off.

Holiday hot spots around the country are now growing increasingly suspicious of anyone from this particular peninsula north of Sydney – that most Australians didn’t know about until a couple days ago.

Betoota is now monitoring up to 300 close contacts of the Northern Beaches resident that defied health orders and snuck into Queensland on Friday.

While many residents want to know the name of the potential super spreader, this newspaper has decided that it’s only fair to respect his or her privacy, after learning that they were very rich and white.

Some say it might be Stacey from The Outback Hair Salon’s new son-in-law who was seen wearing birkenstocks to church last Christmas.

The Northern Beaches resident has not been confirmed as an active case, and is at this point being treated as merely just another gross southerner.

However, it has been revealed that the person in question did spend up to five hours in the Drunken Stockman Hotel last Saturday, causing the venue to shut down for 24 hours and clean their carpet for the first time in twenty years.

The pub will re-open on Christmas Eve and locals are being encouraged to smoke durries in side and spill as much piss as possible, in an effort to return the venue to its musty glory.



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